On Being Home

In our society, there's a definite (and obvious) binary when it comes to women and their children: the women who choose to return to work relatively soon after having a baby and the women who choose to stay home for an unspecified amount of time to raise their children full-time. I realize that for many women, the decision to stay home or return to work is not a decision, but a necessity. Some women have no choice but to return to work in order to provide for their families, while others might want to return to work only to find that they are unable to find a job or afford childcare. For other mothers staying home after having kids is just what feels right, spiritually, emotionally, and/or financially.

What I've learned since becoming a mother is that other parents, and society in general, judge women regardless of the choice they make. Working mothers are seen as “selfish”, “too career-oriented”, or as putting their own needs ahead of their kids' needs. Stay-at-home mothers are seen as “too traditional” or as reinforcing gender norms in a society where women have worked hard to gain equal rights in the workplace. No matter what she decides, somebody somewhere is going to judge a mom for her decision, and that's really unfortunate. As parents, we already have to deal with our fair share of judgment when it comes to other parenting choices (feeding, sleep, discipline, etc.) so it seems unfair to throw another layer of judgment on whether a mom choose to stay home or work. But, ultimately, the only thing that matters is that she feels happy, satisfied, and confident with her decision.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I assumed right away that I would do what most women do in the bay area: take a three month maternity leave and return to work to help my family afford the crazy cost-of-living here. However, it soon become apparent to me that my income as a preschool teacher was no real match for the cost of daycare or, especially, the cost of a private nanny (which would have been my first choice in terms of childcare). I also already knew that my job was not as fulfilling or rewarding as I would have liked it to be, so leaving it behind to stay home did not feel like a major setback in terms of career building.

I've never considered myself much of a “career woman”. I love school and learning new things and constantly being challenged, but I tend to get bored easily when my days are too repetitive or boring or when they don't allow me to do the things that truly bring me happiness in life: spending time with loved ones, eating healthy delicious food, and spending time outside in nature. When I worked full-time, I found that I rarely had the energy to hang out with friends after work. I was often way too exhausted from my day to spend time in the kitchen cooking delicious homemade food every night. We ate out or ordered in more than I wanted to but it seemed like the only sane choice at the time. On the weekends, I spent time outdoors when I could, but I mostly just wanted to laze around the house and watch T.V. to rest after a long work week of running around after little kids and being constantly on my feet all day. I didn't have the energy to garden much or write. In other words, I wasn't doing the things I truly loved.

Now, don't me wrong, I wasn't able to do a lot of those things my first year of motherhood either! But I am finding that now that my daughter is older, I am able to structure my days so that I can include many of the things that matter to me. I can plan meals out and actually have time to cook them (which saves us lots of money since we are not eating out or ordering in nearly as much as we used to). I have time and energy to grow an organic garden (another money-saver). I complete household tasks without feeling like I am working two jobs all the time (just one, long, constant never-ending job...haha). I can try out my hand at little aspects of urban homesteading (like canning or preserving, for instance), something I have been wanting to try for a while but never had time for. And most important of all, I can spend time with my precious daughter and watch her grow and change and learn new things every day. She presents me with new challenges constantly (Do I let her climb on the coffee table? Is throwing toys an act of defiance or just an experiment in sound and gravity? Am I discouraging her independence by not letting her climb on this playground by herself?). I am always learning from her and learning to better myself as a person and as a mother. I am often re-evaluating my parenting choices, researching and learning from other parents, and trying to pin down the best way to teach her the ways of the world—not an easy task! But mothering has taught me so much about myself, about my flaws and my strengths, my beliefs and my fears, my insecurities and goals. And this is truly a gift.

I know there are things I am giving up by choosing to stay home. I'm not furthering myself in my career and moving up in terms of salary, position, etc. I am not learning some the skills needed to stay fresh and up-to-date in my field. I am not getting as much adult interaction every day as I might like. I am in a single-income family and therefore do not have much in terms of disposable income to afford fancy vacations and expensive things for myself. But that's okay. Truth be told, I have accepted these sacrifices and am now totally at peace with my decision to be home. Accepting and being happy with this decision was definitely a process and didn't happen overnight. Many times in the first year I found myself wishing I was working a normal job where I could leave my child in someone else's loving care for the day instead of me being the one stuck changing the 8^th poopy diaper that day, or wishing I had a real reason to leave the house in the morning instead of realizing some days that I hadn't brushed my teeth or changed out of my sweats and it was already 3:00 in the afternoon. But, over time and ever so slowly, I've become confident and consistently happy with my decision to be home. My child learning to walk and becoming more independent has really helped with this because it has enabled me to regain some of my own independence and a sense of normalcy. The older she's gotten, the more I have enjoyed being home with her because, in a lot of ways, it has gotten easier. 

I've turned away from a traditional career and corporate culture in exchange for a slower, more home-centric lifestyle and I know that this is the right decision for me and my family right now. It won't be forever. As a young mom, I know that I have plenty of time for a career and other things later on, and I look forward to that phase of my life, but I am so happy with where I'm at right now. I also know that staying home full-time to care for children is not for for everyone. Many mothers thrive on the satisfaction they get from working outside the home, juggling the demands of both motherhood and work, and would feel unhappy and disadvantaged if they took time out of their careers to stay home. I totally understand that. Not everyone shares the same passions for homesteading, gardening, and cooking from scratch like I do, and many mothers genuinely enjoy their jobs and get a lot of fulfillment from them. I truly believe that whatever makes a mother the happiest is what she should be doing, whether that be working or staying home, because at the end of the day, a happy mom is a better mom to her children. So moms and dads, let's stop judging each other. We are all doing the best we can.

For more on the topics of staying home with kids, homesteading, etc., check out these books:

Homeward Bound: Why Women Are Embracing the New Domesticity by Emily Matchar

Radical Homemakers: Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture by Shannon Hayes

Making Home: Adapting Our Homes and Our Lives to Settle in Place by Sharon Astyk