On Being Home

In our society, there's a definite (and obvious) binary when it comes to women and their children: the women who choose to return to work relatively soon after having a baby and the women who choose to stay home for an unspecified amount of time to raise their children full-time. I realize that for many women, the decision to stay home or return to work is not a decision, but a necessity. Some women have no choice but to return to work in order to provide for their families, while others might want to return to work only to find that they are unable to find a job or afford childcare. For other mothers staying home after having kids is just what feels right, spiritually, emotionally, and/or financially.

What I've learned since becoming a mother is that other parents, and society in general, judge women regardless of the choice they make. Working mothers are seen as “selfish”, “too career-oriented”, or as putting their own needs ahead of their kids' needs. Stay-at-home mothers are seen as “too traditional” or as reinforcing gender norms in a society where women have worked hard to gain equal rights in the workplace. No matter what she decides, somebody somewhere is going to judge a mom for her decision, and that's really unfortunate. As parents, we already have to deal with our fair share of judgment when it comes to other parenting choices (feeding, sleep, discipline, etc.) so it seems unfair to throw another layer of judgment on whether a mom choose to stay home or work. But, ultimately, the only thing that matters is that she feels happy, satisfied, and confident with her decision.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I assumed right away that I would do what most women do in the bay area: take a three month maternity leave and return to work to help my family afford the crazy cost-of-living here. However, it soon become apparent to me that my income as a preschool teacher was no real match for the cost of daycare or, especially, the cost of a private nanny (which would have been my first choice in terms of childcare). I also already knew that my job was not as fulfilling or rewarding as I would have liked it to be, so leaving it behind to stay home did not feel like a major setback in terms of career building.

I've never considered myself much of a “career woman”. I love school and learning new things and constantly being challenged, but I tend to get bored easily when my days are too repetitive or boring or when they don't allow me to do the things that truly bring me happiness in life: spending time with loved ones, eating healthy delicious food, and spending time outside in nature. When I worked full-time, I found that I rarely had the energy to hang out with friends after work. I was often way too exhausted from my day to spend time in the kitchen cooking delicious homemade food every night. We ate out or ordered in more than I wanted to but it seemed like the only sane choice at the time. On the weekends, I spent time outdoors when I could, but I mostly just wanted to laze around the house and watch T.V. to rest after a long work week of running around after little kids and being constantly on my feet all day. I didn't have the energy to garden much or write. In other words, I wasn't doing the things I truly loved.

Now, don't me wrong, I wasn't able to do a lot of those things my first year of motherhood either! But I am finding that now that my daughter is older, I am able to structure my days so that I can include many of the things that matter to me. I can plan meals out and actually have time to cook them (which saves us lots of money since we are not eating out or ordering in nearly as much as we used to). I have time and energy to grow an organic garden (another money-saver). I complete household tasks without feeling like I am working two jobs all the time (just one, long, constant never-ending job...haha). I can try out my hand at little aspects of urban homesteading (like canning or preserving, for instance), something I have been wanting to try for a while but never had time for. And most important of all, I can spend time with my precious daughter and watch her grow and change and learn new things every day. She presents me with new challenges constantly (Do I let her climb on the coffee table? Is throwing toys an act of defiance or just an experiment in sound and gravity? Am I discouraging her independence by not letting her climb on this playground by herself?). I am always learning from her and learning to better myself as a person and as a mother. I am often re-evaluating my parenting choices, researching and learning from other parents, and trying to pin down the best way to teach her the ways of the world—not an easy task! But mothering has taught me so much about myself, about my flaws and my strengths, my beliefs and my fears, my insecurities and goals. And this is truly a gift.

I know there are things I am giving up by choosing to stay home. I'm not furthering myself in my career and moving up in terms of salary, position, etc. I am not learning some the skills needed to stay fresh and up-to-date in my field. I am not getting as much adult interaction every day as I might like. I am in a single-income family and therefore do not have much in terms of disposable income to afford fancy vacations and expensive things for myself. But that's okay. Truth be told, I have accepted these sacrifices and am now totally at peace with my decision to be home. Accepting and being happy with this decision was definitely a process and didn't happen overnight. Many times in the first year I found myself wishing I was working a normal job where I could leave my child in someone else's loving care for the day instead of me being the one stuck changing the 8^th poopy diaper that day, or wishing I had a real reason to leave the house in the morning instead of realizing some days that I hadn't brushed my teeth or changed out of my sweats and it was already 3:00 in the afternoon. But, over time and ever so slowly, I've become confident and consistently happy with my decision to be home. My child learning to walk and becoming more independent has really helped with this because it has enabled me to regain some of my own independence and a sense of normalcy. The older she's gotten, the more I have enjoyed being home with her because, in a lot of ways, it has gotten easier. 

I've turned away from a traditional career and corporate culture in exchange for a slower, more home-centric lifestyle and I know that this is the right decision for me and my family right now. It won't be forever. As a young mom, I know that I have plenty of time for a career and other things later on, and I look forward to that phase of my life, but I am so happy with where I'm at right now. I also know that staying home full-time to care for children is not for for everyone. Many mothers thrive on the satisfaction they get from working outside the home, juggling the demands of both motherhood and work, and would feel unhappy and disadvantaged if they took time out of their careers to stay home. I totally understand that. Not everyone shares the same passions for homesteading, gardening, and cooking from scratch like I do, and many mothers genuinely enjoy their jobs and get a lot of fulfillment from them. I truly believe that whatever makes a mother the happiest is what she should be doing, whether that be working or staying home, because at the end of the day, a happy mom is a better mom to her children. So moms and dads, let's stop judging each other. We are all doing the best we can.

For more on the topics of staying home with kids, homesteading, etc., check out these books:

Homeward Bound: Why Women Are Embracing the New Domesticity by Emily Matchar

Radical Homemakers: Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture by Shannon Hayes

Making Home: Adapting Our Homes and Our Lives to Settle in Place by Sharon Astyk

Spring is in the air...maybe? Career goals and my life as a stay at home mommy.

It has been super RAINY here these past couple of weeks, which is great because we definitely needed the rain and I know my little garden plot is just loving the extra moisture! I'm planning to post photos of the plot real soon. I've got some lettuce, carrot, and radish seedlings coming up and I also planted a few starters (peas and green onions).

In other news, I'm excited to announce that I have officially completed my training to become a lactation educator/counselor! This means I can start teaching breastfeeding classes and offering breastfeeding support to new and expecting moms.

Right now, my biggest desire is to get out into the field and gain some practical experience in this area. I'm not sure if I want to eventually take the lactation consultant exam (which would also require more coursework) but that possibility is definitely on my radar. At this point, I mostly just want to start working directly with new moms. I've definitely been bitten by the "birth bug", as they say, as I am finding myself more and more passionate and interested in all things relating to pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period. When I think about helping and guiding women as they make the beautiful, yet delicate and often challenging, transition into motherhood, I am overcome with feelings of excitement and fulfillment, so that must mean something, right?!

As of right now, I am working on becoming certified as a postpartum doula so that I can begin providing breastfeeding support as well as support in other areas of the postpartum period to new moms. I have plans to volunteer as a doula at San Francisco General Hospital, but the process for working in a hospital is long and bureaucratic, so it will probably take a couple of months for me to get started.

I am loving my time at home with my baby girl. Some days are tough, of course, but overall it has been an amazing experience to be home with her and I am so glad I've been able to dedicate myself fully to her, especially while she is still so small and dependent on me. I know someday I'll return to the paid working world, but for now, I am enjoying this precious time with my little one and learning a lot from her as well. Our days are repetitive--and yes, sometimes boring--but they are also usually calm, happy, stress-free, and punctuated with little magical moments that I wouldn't trade for anything else in the world. Though being a stay-at-home mom is hard work (I totally understand now why people say it's the toughest job in the world!) and can sometimes be quite isolating, it is also one of the most selfless things I have done in my life and I take great pride in that.

I've also found that I have enjoyed being home with E more and more as she's gotten older. I love our little routines and seeing her face light up every time I go into her room to get her after a nap. When I feel bored (which is rare because there really isn't much time to feel bored in my day!), all I have to do is get down on the floor with her, play with her, watch her a bit, and then I realize that nothing is boring to her--she's constantly analyzing, learning, examining. She reminds me every day that the world has so much to offer and that, as adults, many of us have lost our sense of wonder and adventure. Life feels dull and boring because we let it become that way.

So babies have a lot to teach us really. And I find myself turning to my daughter when I yearn to experience some of life's simplest pleasures. She's taught me so much already.

Here's my new certificate! (which unfortunately got crumpled in the mail...ugh)

Life Updates and New Career Goals!

Wow. I don’t know about you guys, but the past few months have been insanely busy around here! J worked full-time at eBay all summer, then we had our wedding in August (which was absolutely amazing, but also a lot of work!), and soon after that J returned to school/teaching, which has been very time-consuming for him. On top of all of the stay-at-home mommy duties, I’ve started nannying twice a week, which involves picking a three-year-old up at preschool and bringing her back to our place to entertain both her and Emi. It’s certainly helped me gain perspective on what it might be like to someday have to care for two of my own kids (“busy” doesn’t quite sum it up!). In the midst of all that, I’ve also been making some pretty significant career decisions of my own; I’ve decided to return to school to pursue a degree in lactation education. So, I’m signed up for an online class through UC San Diego that is the first step in the process of becoming a lactation educator. I’ve been learning a lot and have really enjoyed the course so far.

My decision to pursue this career came about from my own experiences and challenges with breastfeeding and my desire to help other new moms. When Emi was born, I had absolutely no idea how difficult it would be to breastfeed, let alone how much support (both emotional and physical) I would need from lactation specialists in order to succeed at breastfeeding. In fact, I was so convinced that it would be easy peasy (you just attach the kid to the boob and the rest is history, right?) that I didn’t even bother to take a breastfeeding class or read a book about breastfeeding.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, when my mother (who breastfed both her children) nonchalantly suggested that I get in touch with the local La Leche League to meet some other women who might be able to help me in the near future, I shrugged it off and dismissed her advice. Little did I know just how thankful I would be to eventually get through to one of those LLL leaders about two weeks after Emi was born, desperate for help, because my nipples were incredibly sore and I still hadn’t figured out how to latch her on so that it didn’t hurt like hell. That woman was a savior, as were the lactation consultants I met with during Emi’s doctor visits. I still remember one particular visit (probably 2 or 3 weeks postpartum) during which I literally broke down in tears in front of both the lactation consultant and pediatrician because of how exhausted, overwhelmed, and frustrated I was with my inability to enjoy breastfeeding. I felt like a failure because feeding my baby was not the amazing enjoyable "bonding experience" that I was led to believe it would be (though it eventually became that way after breastfeeding was successfully established). They kept telling me it “wasn’t supposed to hurt” and every time I heard that statement, I died a little inside and wanted to punch whoever said it. I now know that they meant well and weren’t saying it to anger me, but as a way of encouraging me to continue to seek help until it no longer hurt (because if it hurts, your latch or positioning probably need some tweaking…or, in my case, a lot of tweaking, and oftentimes the only way to fix that is to have a trained professional watch you nurse your baby).

I also arrived at this whole field from a health perspective since I have always been passionate about healthy living, wellness, and food. We all know that breastmilk is incredibly healthy for babies and contains things that formula cannot replicate (such as important antibodies that boost a baby’s immune system), but did you know that it’s also incredibly helpful for the mother and for the lifelong health of that baby? Mothers who breastfeed have reduced rates of breast and ovarian cancer, less osteoporosis later in life, and are less likely to hemorrhage after the birth. The longer a baby is breastfed, the less likelihood that baby will develop allergies, asthma, diabetes, and obesity later in life. That baby is also less likely to have gastrointestinal problems.

I know some mothers cannot breastfeed due to medical reasons, but I’m convinced that most mothers, if provided with the right support and resources both prenatally and postnatally, can learn to breastfeed successfully, as I did. It’s my mission to help as many new moms as I can with that, especially young low-income moms, since they are the ones least likely to attempt and succeed at breastfeeding. I am so thrilled to be entering this field and cannot wait to share my experiences and knowledge with you all along the way!

Plunge boldly into the thick of life, and seize it where you will, it is always interesting.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/seize.html#er52JFio1oC8qwdG.9

 "Plunge boldly into the thick of life, and seize it where you will, it is always interesting" - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Plunge boldly into the thick of life, and seize it where you will, it is always interesting.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/seize.html#er52JFio1oC8qwdG.99

A Home Away From Home

One thing I have truly missed since moving out to California has been the yearly visits I used to make to our family cabin in Wisconsin while I was living just two and half hours away in St. Paul, Minnesota. Jorge and I would always go up at least once in the summertime to indulge in bonfires, warm swims in the lake, and 4th of July fireworks off the dock. Sometimes I joined family there for the holidays in the winter as well (when I wasn't flying back to Idaho) to enjoy the pristine frozen lake, snowy walks through the forest, and cozy conversations by the fireplace.

I am realizing now that I sometimes took the cabin for granted while I was living so close to it. I miss the peace of mind it provided, the relaxing warm atmosphere, the family gatherings, and the beautiful forest and lake. The sanctuary it provided was nourishment for my soul and so healthy for my well-being. I was reminded of this after reading a short vignette in a magazine sent to me by my cousin, Nadia, about a cabin by a lake:

 "We're not so different from elephants. We travel in groups, we prioritize family, and like the elephants of Sri Lanka, we migrate annually toward water. Every year during the dry season, these elephants congregate with their families on the shores of Minneriya Lake. Researchers have noted that here, by the lake, the elephants renew old friendships and play together. They eat and flirt and bathe and drink. They are lazy. They swim in the sun, and rest in the shade. Like us, they are social and ritualistic and proud. 

In many ways, our annual migration out of our urban lives to a familiar shore can be understood scientifically: the air is hot, the water is cool; the cities are smoggy, the country is fresh; human eye muscles are most relaxed when settled on the horizon line; swimming is physically redemptive and psychologically meditative; beer tastes better on a dock. Perhaps, though, there is much that can't be so systematically reduced. Were we to be observed the way elephants are, by researchers from a distance trying to better understand our peculiar habits, would they notice that we open up to each other when we spend a few days in a cabin? How conversation gets easier and relationships strengthen? Would they notice how lying on our backs on the dock at night reminds us of when we were kids? Would they notice that we fret less about what and when we are going to eat, but more regularly and eagerly gather around food? Would they notice that our tendencies change: that we read more, sleep more, fuss less over details?

At the lake we don't mind that the shower keeps breaking or that the stove never works properly--we have affection for the dumpy and rusty and rickety things because we associate them with last summer, with childhood, with feeling small and content in a big and slow-moving world. We love the lake partly because it is not our home. Like the elephants, we accept that our life cannot always be so idle, leisurely, and peaceful. We accept that we can't always play cards until 2 a.m., skinny dip under the stars, and live off avocado sandwiches and pickles. Yet, like the elephants during dry season, we indulge for a couple of weeks each year in this necessary luxury, and return to ordinary city life more at home and more alive."

From Kinfolk: A Guide for Small Gatherings (Vol. 4)

Achieving Work-Life Balance in the 21st Century: Lessons from a Small Mexican Village

I'm back! I've spent the past two weeks traveling in central Mexico with my fiancé and his parents. Though we visited two large cities for a few days (Guadalajara and Zacatecas), we spent the majority of our time in my fiancé's hometown, El Remolino, a small rural village about three hours from Guadalajara.

It was amazing to see the differences in culture, lifestyle, and work-life balance between my life here in Oakland and life in these small Mexican towns. El Remolino is largely an agricultural village, so many people own land that they farm on or raise animals on. During the day, the streets are empty (most men are working the fields while the women stay home to attend to childcare and/or household duties). Every day there is a two-hour period where all businesses close (even banks!) so that the employees can take a break and have a long lunch. Many businesses are also closed on Thursday afternoons.

There was one central plaza where people would congregate in the evenings to socialize with one another and to enjoy the cooler night air. People would also sit outside of their homes together at night and greet friends and neighbors as they walked by. All in all, life moved much more slowly there and it seemed as if people simply had more time to focus on non-work related things in their lives, especially cultivating relationships with people and playing an active role in their communities. Everyone seemed to really cherish the strong bonds they had with friends and family (this seemed to come above everything else, even their work); they made an effort to spend several hours a day socializing with each other.

I contrasted this way of life with my own in the U.S., and it made me realize how little socializing I do on a daily basis compared to them. Yes, I interact with my coworkers all day, but I think this type of socializing is inherently different than the interactions that happen outside of the job sphere, when we are not brought together simply because of our jobs. I feel that I spend so much time working every day that I have very little energy left for socializing when I get home in the evenings and perhaps I don't place as much value on my relationships with others as they do in these small towns (though I would like to think this isn't true!). I also have chosen to live in a place that is far from most of my family, which I feel is a pretty rare thing in many of these towns where several generations of family members live side-by-side (or, at most, a five-minute walk from each other).

I'm not sure if people in El Remolino worked less every day and had more time for socializing or if they just placed more of a priority on sustaining healthy, happy relationships with others on a daily basis. Either way, it certainly made me rethink my own priorities in life and, even though I have never been one to place work/career above other things in my life, this trip certainly made me realize that I have not been immune to the cultural mindset in the U.S. that encourages us to strive for "personal growth" and "independence", even if it comes at the expense of less community engagement and less of a focus on sustaining relationships with people I care about.