Two Under Three and Learning to Live in the Moment

My life is a beautiful mess right now. Caring for two little ones under the age of three (both in diapers) is demanding work, to say the least. Some days I feel as if I barely have time to catch my breath, let alone shower, eat, or go to the bathroom. Most nights I hit my pillow with a tiredness so intense that I worry I might fall into a slumber so deep that even my newborn's cries might not wake me (hasn't happened yet!).

My muscles ache at the end of each day like they never have before. Sometimes, when it's barely 9:00 a.m. and I'm on my sixth diaper change of the day (and no, this is not an exaggeration), I start to ponder if I can actually make it through yet another diaper change without having an emotional breakdown. Will I survive this? Can I handle another nap time battle? Will I make it through the next two hours of carrying my newborn in her carrier so that she can sleep when I all I want to do is lay down, or at least sit? How I will I manage to give my two-year-old the 15 minutes of alone time with mommy that she so desperately needs and craves each day? Will I ever get a moment to myself ever again?

Then, I take a deep breath and remind myself to focus on the present moment, not what came right before or what's to come right after. I try to focus on just this one simple moment; my baby needs me and my job is to care for her, to love her, and to appreciate her, fiercely and unconditionally. Children live for the present moment and I need to meet them there, whatever the moment may require, whatever their needs may be. I need to forget for a bit all of the worries swimming around in my head, my never-ending to-do list, or the constant work that needs to be done around the house, and to just be present with them.

Life with small children is exhausting and crazy and magical all at once. I live for those precious fleeting moments when I am reminded of why I'm doing all of this. For instance, the way my almost three-month-old smiles at me, her eyes lighting up with happiness, her legs and arms kicking with uncontrollable excitement, the moment I start talking to her, as if I'm truly the best thing that's ever happened to her. The way she quiets immediately, even if for just a brief second or two, when I enter a room and she hears my voice—music to her ears. The way her little fists grasp tightly onto my shirt or my shoulder when I carry her, as if saying “Momma, please don't let go of me. I need you to hold me and keep me safe from the world.” The way she drifts off to sleep as she suckles at my breast, cozy and warm and protected, nourished by the body that made her and grew her and birthed her into the world. The way her heart rate and breathing slow down the moment I pick her up, as she breathes a sigh of relief and her little body relaxes into mine, reminding me of the time when we were one. The way she nuzzles into my chest when tired and the adorable sleep smiles. The way my two-year old hugs me with wild abandon, almost knocking me off my feet at times with her force. The way she shouts “I love you mommy!” in the middle of a conversation about trains or preschool or some other random, seemingly unrelated, topic. The way she confides in me about her fears, relying on me to provide explanations for the ways of the world, however confusing or strange or scary they are. The way I feel butterflies in my stomach when I watch either of my daughters sleeping, ever so peacefully and deeply, and the pride I feel at being able to provide a secure and loving home for them where they can rest their growing bodies safely. The way I start to miss them when they've both been asleep for a while, as if my body craves their company, their warmth, and their energy.

These are just a few of the many many moments each day that make all of this hard work worth it. They are the moments that light up my day and nourish my soul, reminding me to persevere, even on days when motherhood gets the best of me, on days when it all feels really hard and overwhelming and exhausting. Days when I find myself feeling depleted and irritable. Days when I think, “How could I possibly give any more of myself to these two children?” These magical moments, sprinkled throughout, are endless, yet so easily overlooked. I just need to slow down enough to notice them. I need to remember to take a deep breath and cherish each fleeting tender moment with my children, a moment here now and gone forever. 

"We needn't play at war because if we give birth, we go to war."

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, most of it pregnancy, birth, or baby-related (because, let's be honest, that's really all that's on my mind these days). I found a wonderful gem of a book called Great With Child: Letters to a Young Mother by Beth Ann Fennelly. It's a beautiful collection of letters about motherhood written by the poet and author, Beth Ann, to one of her newly pregnant friends. It's serious, funny, and quite informative all at the same time. In one of the letters, the author reflects on the natural birth she had with her first baby, and she offers the following advice after her friend admits to being scared of the pain of childbirth (who isn't?):

"I'm not going to call labor pains 'discomfort', and if I tell you to pack dark socks, I'll tell you why. But I'll also tell you the other half of the story, the part that our soon-to-be mothers need to know most:

You are a warrior. You are a warrior, and for your whole life your body has been warming up for this great fight. These last months have been consumed with training everything inside of you, all of the hormones and the loosening of the joints have been in preparation for this, and you are ready. You know, more or less, the day, the place, of your battle, and you will meet it because you are destined for it. It is the greatest challenge your body will ever know. Oh we women needn't play at war and its games like men I've known who can't disguise their aggression and excitement when the bombs begin falling on some country or other. We needn't play at war because if we give birth, we go to war, and at the deepest level, deeper than bone-deep, our evolutionary history tells us that it's a matter of life or death."

I've never seen birth described this way but I can really relate to these sentiments. We know birth is messy, painful (for most, though not all, women), and requires a great amount of courage and strength. Giving birth truly is like going to war. And, let me tell you, you definitely emerge a warrior from that experience (no matter how wounded you are when you come out of it).

I remember after my first birth feeling like I had not only been to war and back-- physically and mentally--but that I needed to give my body and spirit the time and space to recover from what can only be described as a grueling battle that left me feeling depleted and weak. I felt that although I had emerged successfully (and alive) on the other side of that battle, I also hadn't prepared adequately for the enormity of the physical task that a natural childbirth would entail. It became clear to me that I had done a pretty good job at preparing myself mentally for the birth, but physically? I could've done a whole lot better.

So what have I been up to these days?

Besides reading and mentally preparing myself for the endeavor of bringing my second child into this world sometime in May or June, I'm trying to get back in shape. I know that birth is an immensely physical experience (for most of us, it is the single most physically demanding task our bodies will ever experience). Some compare giving birth to running a marathon; I like to think of it as going to war. I know that it will require a great amount of physical stamina to both endure it and recover from it, and I know that, at this very moment, I am not ready.

So here are my exercise goals for the new year and, specifically, the next 5 months:
- Squats, squats, and more squats (Every. Single. Day. As many as I can muster.)
- Kegels
- Walks for at least 20 minutes each day (This one is the hardest to realistically accomplish every day. If you've ever tried to "go on a walk" with a toddler, you'll understand why.)
- Prenatal Yoga (For me, it's a great form of stress relief and feels almost as good as getting a massage)
- Belly-dancing to help prepare my hips and pelvis, and get baby into good position (Luckily, I've been attending a fantastic yoga/dance class that really gets me moving and stretching in ways that feel wonderful.)

I've got a lot of work to do to prepare myself for my natural childbirth--in many ways, but especially physically. I'm getting there, little by little, and I'm excited and ready to tackle the challenges ahead.

                                                         20 weeks

On Being Home

In our society, there's a definite (and obvious) binary when it comes to women and their children: the women who choose to return to work relatively soon after having a baby and the women who choose to stay home for an unspecified amount of time to raise their children full-time. I realize that for many women, the decision to stay home or return to work is not a decision, but a necessity. Some women have no choice but to return to work in order to provide for their families, while others might want to return to work only to find that they are unable to find a job or afford childcare. For other mothers staying home after having kids is just what feels right, spiritually, emotionally, and/or financially.

What I've learned since becoming a mother is that other parents, and society in general, judge women regardless of the choice they make. Working mothers are seen as “selfish”, “too career-oriented”, or as putting their own needs ahead of their kids' needs. Stay-at-home mothers are seen as “too traditional” or as reinforcing gender norms in a society where women have worked hard to gain equal rights in the workplace. No matter what she decides, somebody somewhere is going to judge a mom for her decision, and that's really unfortunate. As parents, we already have to deal with our fair share of judgment when it comes to other parenting choices (feeding, sleep, discipline, etc.) so it seems unfair to throw another layer of judgment on whether a mom choose to stay home or work. But, ultimately, the only thing that matters is that she feels happy, satisfied, and confident with her decision.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I assumed right away that I would do what most women do in the bay area: take a three month maternity leave and return to work to help my family afford the crazy cost-of-living here. However, it soon become apparent to me that my income as a preschool teacher was no real match for the cost of daycare or, especially, the cost of a private nanny (which would have been my first choice in terms of childcare). I also already knew that my job was not as fulfilling or rewarding as I would have liked it to be, so leaving it behind to stay home did not feel like a major setback in terms of career building.

I've never considered myself much of a “career woman”. I love school and learning new things and constantly being challenged, but I tend to get bored easily when my days are too repetitive or boring or when they don't allow me to do the things that truly bring me happiness in life: spending time with loved ones, eating healthy delicious food, and spending time outside in nature. When I worked full-time, I found that I rarely had the energy to hang out with friends after work. I was often way too exhausted from my day to spend time in the kitchen cooking delicious homemade food every night. We ate out or ordered in more than I wanted to but it seemed like the only sane choice at the time. On the weekends, I spent time outdoors when I could, but I mostly just wanted to laze around the house and watch T.V. to rest after a long work week of running around after little kids and being constantly on my feet all day. I didn't have the energy to garden much or write. In other words, I wasn't doing the things I truly loved.

Now, don't me wrong, I wasn't able to do a lot of those things my first year of motherhood either! But I am finding that now that my daughter is older, I am able to structure my days so that I can include many of the things that matter to me. I can plan meals out and actually have time to cook them (which saves us lots of money since we are not eating out or ordering in nearly as much as we used to). I have time and energy to grow an organic garden (another money-saver). I complete household tasks without feeling like I am working two jobs all the time (just one, long, constant never-ending job...haha). I can try out my hand at little aspects of urban homesteading (like canning or preserving, for instance), something I have been wanting to try for a while but never had time for. And most important of all, I can spend time with my precious daughter and watch her grow and change and learn new things every day. She presents me with new challenges constantly (Do I let her climb on the coffee table? Is throwing toys an act of defiance or just an experiment in sound and gravity? Am I discouraging her independence by not letting her climb on this playground by herself?). I am always learning from her and learning to better myself as a person and as a mother. I am often re-evaluating my parenting choices, researching and learning from other parents, and trying to pin down the best way to teach her the ways of the world—not an easy task! But mothering has taught me so much about myself, about my flaws and my strengths, my beliefs and my fears, my insecurities and goals. And this is truly a gift.

I know there are things I am giving up by choosing to stay home. I'm not furthering myself in my career and moving up in terms of salary, position, etc. I am not learning some the skills needed to stay fresh and up-to-date in my field. I am not getting as much adult interaction every day as I might like. I am in a single-income family and therefore do not have much in terms of disposable income to afford fancy vacations and expensive things for myself. But that's okay. Truth be told, I have accepted these sacrifices and am now totally at peace with my decision to be home. Accepting and being happy with this decision was definitely a process and didn't happen overnight. Many times in the first year I found myself wishing I was working a normal job where I could leave my child in someone else's loving care for the day instead of me being the one stuck changing the 8^th poopy diaper that day, or wishing I had a real reason to leave the house in the morning instead of realizing some days that I hadn't brushed my teeth or changed out of my sweats and it was already 3:00 in the afternoon. But, over time and ever so slowly, I've become confident and consistently happy with my decision to be home. My child learning to walk and becoming more independent has really helped with this because it has enabled me to regain some of my own independence and a sense of normalcy. The older she's gotten, the more I have enjoyed being home with her because, in a lot of ways, it has gotten easier. 

I've turned away from a traditional career and corporate culture in exchange for a slower, more home-centric lifestyle and I know that this is the right decision for me and my family right now. It won't be forever. As a young mom, I know that I have plenty of time for a career and other things later on, and I look forward to that phase of my life, but I am so happy with where I'm at right now. I also know that staying home full-time to care for children is not for for everyone. Many mothers thrive on the satisfaction they get from working outside the home, juggling the demands of both motherhood and work, and would feel unhappy and disadvantaged if they took time out of their careers to stay home. I totally understand that. Not everyone shares the same passions for homesteading, gardening, and cooking from scratch like I do, and many mothers genuinely enjoy their jobs and get a lot of fulfillment from them. I truly believe that whatever makes a mother the happiest is what she should be doing, whether that be working or staying home, because at the end of the day, a happy mom is a better mom to her children. So moms and dads, let's stop judging each other. We are all doing the best we can.

For more on the topics of staying home with kids, homesteading, etc., check out these books:

Homeward Bound: Why Women Are Embracing the New Domesticity by Emily Matchar

Radical Homemakers: Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture by Shannon Hayes

Making Home: Adapting Our Homes and Our Lives to Settle in Place by Sharon Astyk

Little Dancer

Out in the garden this morning, you danced.

Bright-eyed, bathed in morning sunshine, and beaming

With that toothy grin of yours,

That charms even the most morose of strangers.

And I thought to myself,
“Why is she dancing? Silly baby. I don't hear any music.”

But upon closer listening, I did hear something:

A songbird.

Several actually, singing playfully to each other,

Announcing the morning's glorious arrival.

And you, echoing their enthusiasm,

With your endearing little bounce, welcoming the new day

Full of promise, possibility, adventure.

My little dancer,

May you never lose this openness, this pure joy.

May your listening ear be forever aware of all the world's music

And your embrace of the new day forever loving, forever grateful.  

What Are Your Goals for 2013?

In thinking back over the past year, I realize just how many amazing moments and milestones I experienced. I got engaged to the love of my life, learned that I was expecting, and started a new job (all in the space of a few months!). I traveled to Mexico to get to know my fiancé’s hometown and relatives. I moved to a new apartment. I deepened my spirituality and, in doing so, found a wonderful religious community that is diverse, open-minded, and accepting. I made new friendships. I immersed myself more in the natural world and strengthened my connection to the earth and its beauty.

My new years resolutions for 2013 are straightforward because I know that these goals are much more likely to get accomplished if they are simple and realistic.

So, what are my goals for 2013? 

1.     Smile more. Laugh more. There is nothing like a good chuckle to brighten up a day and I realize that oftentimes, when I am tired and stressed after a long day, I tend to focus on the negative. My goal is to let go of that negativity and learn to enjoy the present with a smile and an open heart.

2.     Get outside. Though I think I did a pretty good job of getting back to nature this year, I did not manage to go camping or explore Yosemite (two things I want to make sure I accomplish this year). Being out in nature is so important to mental, physical, and spiritual health. Not to mention, there is some pretty neat research coming out about how being outdoors can improve creativity and problem-solving skills by as much as 50% (http://www.mnn.com/health/fitness-well-being/stories/getting-back-to-nature-inspires-creativity-new-study-shows).

3.     Understand that parenthood is a learning experience. It’s easy to get stressed out and overwhelmed about becoming a parent. Some days I wonder if I’ll have what it takes and if I’ll be able make the right decisions for my child. Then I remind myself that parents are regular people who make mistakes, too, and that mistakes are all a part of learning to parent. The most important thing is that my child feels loved, safe, and cared for.

4.     More soy-based products, less meat. This has been a goal for a while and I have been successful in incorporating more tofu in my cooking and using soy milk instead of cow milk (which I have never liked). By soy-based products, I don’t mean fake meats and other highly processed substitutes made from soy. I’m referring to more natural soy products like edamame, tofu, and tempeh, all of which are great alternatives to meat.

5.     Write more. I’m a bit embarrassed with how little writing I have managed to accomplish over the past six months. Understandably, I have been pretty busy with other things, but I would like to make writing and blogging a main focus of my life this year. I’m hoping that the extra time provided by my maternity leave will give me an opportunity to write more…but then again, this may be a lofty and unrealistic expectation, since I know motherhood will encompass a whole other set of challenges!

So here's to a new year filled with possibility, challenge, and acceptance. An opportunity to improve ourselves, to meet and overcome life's hardships, and to accept ourselves for the beautiful beings that we already are. 

 

What are your goals for 2013?

Baby #1 is On the Way!

We’re excited to announce that we are expecting a baby in February of next year! Though the pregnancy came as a bit of a surprise to us, this child is a true blessing and we cannot wait to become parents and start our family together.

If you have noted a decrease in the frequency of posts on here recently, now you know why. We have been busy planning for the next few months and preparing for the arrival of a new person in our lives. (I have also been cooking a lot less these past few months because of first trimester nausea that has made it difficult to be in the kitchen for any significant amount of time!)

Though everything seems so new, exciting, and a bit scary right now, I am doing a fairly good job at keeping my mind at ease and remaining stress-free about all of the big changes happening in my life. When you accept change openly and are comfortable relinquishing some level of control over your life, you are able to live a simpler and happier existence. Working towards positive changes in life is important, but we should try not to “force” reality to conform to our every wish, or we risk ending up unhappy and dissatisfied. Many surprises in life are beautiful and I strongly believe that we often try too hard to control everything in our lives and that this just leads to more stress and unhappiness in the end (when things don’t turn out as planned). One of the biggest causes of frustration and sadness is the gap between how we want things to be and how they really are. Even if you don’t necessarily believe in some sort of deity or universal power having a say in how your life turns out, it can be amazingly freeing to just let go and allow nature to decide certain things for you. Remember that everything in life is temporary and that you will have to let go of everything eventually.

Though I think it is important to be in a committed and loving relationship before you start thinking about having kids, babies don’t always need to be “planned” or to fit perfectly within your “10-year plan”. The timing of our child may not be ideal in the eyes of some (we have a wedding to plan for next year, I have a new job starting this week, and perhaps we aren’t as financially ready as we should be), but we strongly believe the universe has a plan for us and that things will work out just fine in the end. Life is full of miracles and you may miss them if you are too busy trying to control every little detail around you. The only thing you have control over is how you respond or react to the circumstances in your life. We couldn't be happier. =)

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.

-Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Negativity: An Asset in Times of Trouble?

I watched a beautiful movie last night called Melancholia and directed by Lars Von Trier. The movie tells the story of two sisters (Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg), one of whom struggles with severe depression (Dunst), as they come to the realization that the earth is expected to collide with a blue planet called Melancholia. Both sisters take a radically different perspective toward the news of their imminent death, with Dunst appearing calm and accepting of the fact, while Gainsbourg remains agitated and distraught up until the very end. I found it to be a hauntingly beautiful story about depression and its effect on the human psyche during a disaster. It seemed that Dunst's character was able to passively accept her impending death because she had already come to terms with the idea that "bad things happen". In one sense, her negativity and defeatist outlook on the world ended up being a strength that enabled her to accept her fate and make the best of her last few hours on earth.

Trailer for Melancholia: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzD0U841LRM

So, the movie left me thinking: What evolutionary advantage is there to having a negative outlook on life? Is our ability to experience pessimism actually a tool/asset conferred upon us to help us get through times of tragedy? Is it best to view our whole existence through a negative lens since we are then better able to cope with the many hardships and disappointments we will undoubtedly face in our lifetimes?

I am sure the answers to these questions depend greatly on our particular perspective at any given time since, after all, we are all subjected to the highs and lows that life throws our way. Our outlook on life is, more often than not, easily influenced by the specific details of our day, week, month.

For now, I continue to choose positivity and happiness. And I hope you do, too.

In the words of Swami Vivekananda (an Indian spiritual leader):

"If you think about disaster, you will get it. Brood about death and you hasten your demise. Think positively and masterfully, with confidence and faith, and life becomes more secure, more fraught with action, richer in achievement and experience."

Finding a Piece of Sunlight on Rainy Days

It has been a rather cloudy and rainy past few days here in the bay area. We had an unusually dry and sunny winter (at least, so I am told…it was my first winter here!), so the rain was a much-needed blessing. Even so, I find it can sometimes be hard to stay positive, light-hearted, and energetic on days when the sun never shows its face or only peeks through the clouds for a few brief moments during the day. My energy level has always been heavily influenced by the weather, with sunny days usually accompanied by vitality, stamina, and a get-up-and-go type of enthusiasm, while cloudy/rainy ones tend to invite lethargy and idleness. I have the hardest time simply waking up on rainy days and never seem to snap out of a heaviness that weighs on me physically and emotionally.

I am aware of Seasonal Affective Disorder and know that part of what I experience on those days may be related to that, but I think this feeling of lethargy is more common than we realize. In fact, I have talked to many people who struggle with similar feelings on dark, rainy days and have a hard time functioning when rain persists for longer than a day. Though I am continuously working on overcoming my own battles with this, I found a few things to be quite helpful on dark days when you just can’t seem to wake up/get out of the house/get things done/feel content:

1.     Listen to happy, upbeat music that makes you want to dance. I am not normally a huge techno fan, but today I decided to try out the “Vengaboys” Pandora station and I found that it really did make me want to get up and move! One song in particular really got me going:

                                                          "Lucky (Hot Stuff Short Mix)" by Lucky Twice

2.     Go on a walk. Though it was the last thing I wanted to do today (trust me), I forced myself to put on some warm clothes and head out for a nice stroll around the neighborhood. In doing so, I got some fresh air, exercise, and even discovered a lovely small park in my neighborhood that I never knew existed. (If it is pouring rain, this may be more difficult to execute, but I still encourage you to put on a raincoat, grab an umbrella, and make the most of your outing).

3.     Bake. There’s nothing better than warm, fresh-out-of-the-oven, melt-in-your-mouth cookies on a cold rainy day. Bust out the apron and bake up a storm! Plus, having the oven on will create a warm, toasty atmosphere that is irresistible.

4.     Brew yourself a cup of coffee and write in a journal. I know, I know: it’s cliché. But seriously, when else are you going to have the time? Not to mention, a rainy indoor day is a great time for thoughtful reflection and for looking inwards to discover purpose and direction.

5.     Be thankful. This one never seems to fail me. Whenever I am feeling under the weather or just down, I remind myself of all the good in my life and all the things I have to be grateful for.

"I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be; for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances."
                                                                            - Martha Washington