"We needn't play at war because if we give birth, we go to war."

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, most of it pregnancy, birth, or baby-related (because, let's be honest, that's really all that's on my mind these days). I found a wonderful gem of a book called Great With Child: Letters to a Young Mother by Beth Ann Fennelly. It's a beautiful collection of letters about motherhood written by the poet and author, Beth Ann, to one of her newly pregnant friends. It's serious, funny, and quite informative all at the same time. In one of the letters, the author reflects on the natural birth she had with her first baby, and she offers the following advice after her friend admits to being scared of the pain of childbirth (who isn't?):

"I'm not going to call labor pains 'discomfort', and if I tell you to pack dark socks, I'll tell you why. But I'll also tell you the other half of the story, the part that our soon-to-be mothers need to know most:

You are a warrior. You are a warrior, and for your whole life your body has been warming up for this great fight. These last months have been consumed with training everything inside of you, all of the hormones and the loosening of the joints have been in preparation for this, and you are ready. You know, more or less, the day, the place, of your battle, and you will meet it because you are destined for it. It is the greatest challenge your body will ever know. Oh we women needn't play at war and its games like men I've known who can't disguise their aggression and excitement when the bombs begin falling on some country or other. We needn't play at war because if we give birth, we go to war, and at the deepest level, deeper than bone-deep, our evolutionary history tells us that it's a matter of life or death."

I've never seen birth described this way but I can really relate to these sentiments. We know birth is messy, painful (for most, though not all, women), and requires a great amount of courage and strength. Giving birth truly is like going to war. And, let me tell you, you definitely emerge a warrior from that experience (no matter how wounded you are when you come out of it).

I remember after my first birth feeling like I had not only been to war and back-- physically and mentally--but that I needed to give my body and spirit the time and space to recover from what can only be described as a grueling battle that left me feeling depleted and weak. I felt that although I had emerged successfully (and alive) on the other side of that battle, I also hadn't prepared adequately for the enormity of the physical task that a natural childbirth would entail. It became clear to me that I had done a pretty good job at preparing myself mentally for the birth, but physically? I could've done a whole lot better.

So what have I been up to these days?

Besides reading and mentally preparing myself for the endeavor of bringing my second child into this world sometime in May or June, I'm trying to get back in shape. I know that birth is an immensely physical experience (for most of us, it is the single most physically demanding task our bodies will ever experience). Some compare giving birth to running a marathon; I like to think of it as going to war. I know that it will require a great amount of physical stamina to both endure it and recover from it, and I know that, at this very moment, I am not ready.

So here are my exercise goals for the new year and, specifically, the next 5 months:
- Squats, squats, and more squats (Every. Single. Day. As many as I can muster.)
- Kegels
- Walks for at least 20 minutes each day (This one is the hardest to realistically accomplish every day. If you've ever tried to "go on a walk" with a toddler, you'll understand why.)
- Prenatal Yoga (For me, it's a great form of stress relief and feels almost as good as getting a massage)
- Belly-dancing to help prepare my hips and pelvis, and get baby into good position (Luckily, I've been attending a fantastic yoga/dance class that really gets me moving and stretching in ways that feel wonderful.)

I've got a lot of work to do to prepare myself for my natural childbirth--in many ways, but especially physically. I'm getting there, little by little, and I'm excited and ready to tackle the challenges ahead.

                                                         20 weeks

Pregnancy #2 Update! (finally!)

WOWZA! It has been much too long since my last post and for that, dear readers, I apologize.

I'll cut straight to the chase: I am expecting #2! Which is great news and all, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I had a TERRIBLE first trimester, and this partly accounts for my absence on the blog. I pretty much didn't cook (or eat) anything for about two months. Well, I ate some, but it was mostly pre-made soups and frozen chicken nuggets (first time in my life I bought frozen nuggets... and it felt strange, but necessary). I'm not sure why the nausea felt so bad this second time around; I had it with Emi but it was much more manageable. Maybe I'd forgotten how to be pregnant or maybe I was just too busy running around with a toddler to take good care of myself. Either way, it was a mess and compounded by the fact that both J and E were also sick for a good chunk of that time. My advice to myself if I ever experience another first trimester: MAKE FREEZER MEALS AHEAD OF TIME. BEFORE YOU GET PREGNANT. LOTS OF THEM.

But, we made it through and I am now happily in the second trimester. Yay! I am still exhausted but at least I can eat. And, oh boy, CAN I EAT. I must be having a huge baby or something because I am loading up on calories like there's a famine coming tomorrow. I am not exaggerating. If I don't eat a protein rich snack (more like a “mini-meal”) every TWO hours on the dot I am pretty much screwed for the rest of the day. And by that I mean, I become irreversibly nauseous, tired, and cranky...and you might want to stay away. Let me give you an idea of my typical morning:

- Wake around 6:00 or 6:30 a.m.

- Eat breakfast around 6:30 or 7:00: two pieces of whole wheat toast with peanut butter and honey, a piece of fruit, a cup of herbal tea, and half of a bagel with cream cheese

- Snack at 9:00: a fried egg over rice, some chips and salsa

- Lunch at 11:00: a HUGE salad (lettuce, spinach, feta cheese, croutons, sunflower seeds, and my homemade dressing with olive oil and vinegar), baguette with cheese and/or butter, chocolate or something sweet for dessert

All of this before noon! Every. Single. Day. And you better believe that I am having another huge snack about two hours later, at 1:30 p.m. Needless to say, our grocery bill has skyrocketed and though I like to blame it on E, I know she's not the culprit. I think part of the reason I am loading up on fat and protein so much this time around is because I was slightly under-weight when I got pregnant. For some reason, after having E and breastfeeding for so long, I never quite regained my pre-pregnancy weight; as in, I eventually weighed less than before I got pregnant with E (which is weird to admit because most women don't have this problem after having kids). It was an issue for me because I don't feel like I was at a healthy weight for my height and no matter what I did, I couldn't seem to gain it back. So, anyways, I truly believe that our bodies are wise and know what they need. I'm just listening and obliging.

Oh, and before I forget, THIS happened too:

16 Weeks (Pregnancy #1)

16 Weeks (Pregnancy #2)

 They say it's normal to show much sooner the second time around, but this is kind of ridiculous. I am trying hard not to imagine what I'll look like at 40 weeks this time around. Yikes.

On Being Home

In our society, there's a definite (and obvious) binary when it comes to women and their children: the women who choose to return to work relatively soon after having a baby and the women who choose to stay home for an unspecified amount of time to raise their children full-time. I realize that for many women, the decision to stay home or return to work is not a decision, but a necessity. Some women have no choice but to return to work in order to provide for their families, while others might want to return to work only to find that they are unable to find a job or afford childcare. For other mothers staying home after having kids is just what feels right, spiritually, emotionally, and/or financially.

What I've learned since becoming a mother is that other parents, and society in general, judge women regardless of the choice they make. Working mothers are seen as “selfish”, “too career-oriented”, or as putting their own needs ahead of their kids' needs. Stay-at-home mothers are seen as “too traditional” or as reinforcing gender norms in a society where women have worked hard to gain equal rights in the workplace. No matter what she decides, somebody somewhere is going to judge a mom for her decision, and that's really unfortunate. As parents, we already have to deal with our fair share of judgment when it comes to other parenting choices (feeding, sleep, discipline, etc.) so it seems unfair to throw another layer of judgment on whether a mom choose to stay home or work. But, ultimately, the only thing that matters is that she feels happy, satisfied, and confident with her decision.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I assumed right away that I would do what most women do in the bay area: take a three month maternity leave and return to work to help my family afford the crazy cost-of-living here. However, it soon become apparent to me that my income as a preschool teacher was no real match for the cost of daycare or, especially, the cost of a private nanny (which would have been my first choice in terms of childcare). I also already knew that my job was not as fulfilling or rewarding as I would have liked it to be, so leaving it behind to stay home did not feel like a major setback in terms of career building.

I've never considered myself much of a “career woman”. I love school and learning new things and constantly being challenged, but I tend to get bored easily when my days are too repetitive or boring or when they don't allow me to do the things that truly bring me happiness in life: spending time with loved ones, eating healthy delicious food, and spending time outside in nature. When I worked full-time, I found that I rarely had the energy to hang out with friends after work. I was often way too exhausted from my day to spend time in the kitchen cooking delicious homemade food every night. We ate out or ordered in more than I wanted to but it seemed like the only sane choice at the time. On the weekends, I spent time outdoors when I could, but I mostly just wanted to laze around the house and watch T.V. to rest after a long work week of running around after little kids and being constantly on my feet all day. I didn't have the energy to garden much or write. In other words, I wasn't doing the things I truly loved.

Now, don't me wrong, I wasn't able to do a lot of those things my first year of motherhood either! But I am finding that now that my daughter is older, I am able to structure my days so that I can include many of the things that matter to me. I can plan meals out and actually have time to cook them (which saves us lots of money since we are not eating out or ordering in nearly as much as we used to). I have time and energy to grow an organic garden (another money-saver). I complete household tasks without feeling like I am working two jobs all the time (just one, long, constant never-ending job...haha). I can try out my hand at little aspects of urban homesteading (like canning or preserving, for instance), something I have been wanting to try for a while but never had time for. And most important of all, I can spend time with my precious daughter and watch her grow and change and learn new things every day. She presents me with new challenges constantly (Do I let her climb on the coffee table? Is throwing toys an act of defiance or just an experiment in sound and gravity? Am I discouraging her independence by not letting her climb on this playground by herself?). I am always learning from her and learning to better myself as a person and as a mother. I am often re-evaluating my parenting choices, researching and learning from other parents, and trying to pin down the best way to teach her the ways of the world—not an easy task! But mothering has taught me so much about myself, about my flaws and my strengths, my beliefs and my fears, my insecurities and goals. And this is truly a gift.

I know there are things I am giving up by choosing to stay home. I'm not furthering myself in my career and moving up in terms of salary, position, etc. I am not learning some the skills needed to stay fresh and up-to-date in my field. I am not getting as much adult interaction every day as I might like. I am in a single-income family and therefore do not have much in terms of disposable income to afford fancy vacations and expensive things for myself. But that's okay. Truth be told, I have accepted these sacrifices and am now totally at peace with my decision to be home. Accepting and being happy with this decision was definitely a process and didn't happen overnight. Many times in the first year I found myself wishing I was working a normal job where I could leave my child in someone else's loving care for the day instead of me being the one stuck changing the 8^th poopy diaper that day, or wishing I had a real reason to leave the house in the morning instead of realizing some days that I hadn't brushed my teeth or changed out of my sweats and it was already 3:00 in the afternoon. But, over time and ever so slowly, I've become confident and consistently happy with my decision to be home. My child learning to walk and becoming more independent has really helped with this because it has enabled me to regain some of my own independence and a sense of normalcy. The older she's gotten, the more I have enjoyed being home with her because, in a lot of ways, it has gotten easier. 

I've turned away from a traditional career and corporate culture in exchange for a slower, more home-centric lifestyle and I know that this is the right decision for me and my family right now. It won't be forever. As a young mom, I know that I have plenty of time for a career and other things later on, and I look forward to that phase of my life, but I am so happy with where I'm at right now. I also know that staying home full-time to care for children is not for for everyone. Many mothers thrive on the satisfaction they get from working outside the home, juggling the demands of both motherhood and work, and would feel unhappy and disadvantaged if they took time out of their careers to stay home. I totally understand that. Not everyone shares the same passions for homesteading, gardening, and cooking from scratch like I do, and many mothers genuinely enjoy their jobs and get a lot of fulfillment from them. I truly believe that whatever makes a mother the happiest is what she should be doing, whether that be working or staying home, because at the end of the day, a happy mom is a better mom to her children. So moms and dads, let's stop judging each other. We are all doing the best we can.

For more on the topics of staying home with kids, homesteading, etc., check out these books:

Homeward Bound: Why Women Are Embracing the New Domesticity by Emily Matchar

Radical Homemakers: Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture by Shannon Hayes

Making Home: Adapting Our Homes and Our Lives to Settle in Place by Sharon Astyk

Eggplant, Tomato and Onion Gratin

It's been a busy summer around here. We're settling in to our new place, doing some traveling, and adjusting to life in the suburbs. After a long tiring day today (for some reason, E was not in the best of moods, which meant I was not in the best of moods either), the last thing I felt like doing tonight was cooking. But, I had an eggplant I needed to use up in the fridge and I knew I wanted to try baking it. I found the following recipe online and I'm glad I gave it a go because I turned out quite delicious. It's a perfect summer recipe since it features two of summer's most prominent players: eggplant and ripe tomatoes. However, be prepared to have your oven on for about an hour, so save this one for a day when the heat hasn't gotten the best of you. (Also, it's called a "gratin" but the recipe doesn't include any cheese, just so you know. I was a little skeptical about this at first, but it actually worked out perfectly). I used avocado oil instead of butter for frying because I love this oil for cooking at high temperatures but butter would work just as well.

Eggplant, Tomato and Onion Gratin

1 large sweet onion, finely diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 or 3 sprigs fresh thyme (or 1-2 tsp dried)
1 bay leaf
3-4 tbs unsalted butter or oil (divided)
salt and pepper to taste
1 medium eggplant, sliced into 1/4-inch rounds
3-4 medium sized ripe tomatoes

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. In large skillet over medium heat, sauté the onions, garlic, thyme, bay leaf, salt and pepper in half the butter or oil (whichever you are using) until soft, about 4 minutes. Remove bay leaf from onion mixture.

Grease a 9x13 inch baking dish with the remaining butter/oil. Spread onion mixture over bottom of dish. Cover with overlapping rows of alternate eggplant and tomato slices. Season with salt and pepper and drizzle with remaining oil.

Cover and bake until eggplant is soft enough to cut with a spoon, about 45 mn. Uncover for last 15 mn or earlier if tomatoes are giving up too much liquid. Brush or spoon juices over top occasoinally to prevent top layer from drying out (I did this once about 40 mn into the cooking). The gratin should be moist but not watery.

Gardening Adventures in the New Yard!

We're finally starting to settle in to our new little home, so I figured it was about time for an update!

This has been my project for about the last month:

I ordered the raised beds on amazon (here) because we don't own a saw and I wasn't feeling particularly inspired to build my own beds (that and I've been spending way too much time—and money—at Home Depot lately). These were super easy to put together and work really well (you don't really need any tools because the sides just slide right into the posts).

After putting them together, I asked around and found out that there's a good bulk soil company across the bridge, so my father-in-law and I headed over there one day, rented a dump truck, and hauled 2.5 cubic square yards of soil back—talk about an adventure! Then, my wonderful husband ever so kindly shoveled all of the soil from our driveway to the beds (he's amazing).

Then: planting time! I'll be honest, I wasn't sure what to plant, especially since it was June, which is kind of an awkward time to start planting. In this climate, most seedlings go in at the start of spring (March-April) or start of Fall (Sept-Oct), depending on your crop. But, I was eager to get started, so I bought a few starter plants (tomatoes, bell pepper, basil, sage, parsley, cucumbers, and a pumpkin). I also planted some lettuce seeds.... but they never came up. I'm thinking they might have been pushed too deep because of the watering, so I'm going to try starting some indoors and then transferring them out to the garden in a few months.

This is my first real gardening experience so I'm definitely learning as I go. Regardless of how it all turns out, I'm finding that I love working with dirt—there's something so therapeutic about digging my fingers in the rich dark soil that nourishes my plants. Also, I love the joy that comes from nurturing a plant and watching it grow and blossom.

My obsession with dirt also meant that one of the first purchases I made when we moved to a place with a yard was a compost bin! I bought this at my local garden supply store, put it together (with some help from my little companion gardener--see below), and tucked it in the backward by our fence:

All of our vegetable scraps and yard waste go in here. It requires just a little watering every few days to keep it nice and moist, but that's it. Otherwise, we just let the ants, flies, worms and other little critters do their job of decomposing everything into a nutrient-rich compost. I think in about 6-8 months I'll be able to use some of the compost that will have accumulated at the bottom of the bin. My eventual goal is to have a self-sustaining garden, where I won't need to buy soil or organic fertilizer anymore because I'll just be able to use my own compost to amend my current soil.

It's been a lot of fun to finally have a yard. I know my little pumpkin has been loving it, too, especially now that the weather is warm. The best part is that we are completely out of the fog now since we are further south, so basically every single day has been sunny, clear, and beautiful since we moved here two months ago. I wonder if this means the winter will be even milder?

Happy gardening, ya'll!

"The glory of gardening: hands in the dirt, head in the sun, heart with nature. To nurture a garden is to feed not just on the body, but the soul" -Alfred Austin

Little Dancer

Out in the garden this morning, you danced.

Bright-eyed, bathed in morning sunshine, and beaming

With that toothy grin of yours,

That charms even the most morose of strangers.

And I thought to myself,
“Why is she dancing? Silly baby. I don't hear any music.”

But upon closer listening, I did hear something:

A songbird.

Several actually, singing playfully to each other,

Announcing the morning's glorious arrival.

And you, echoing their enthusiasm,

With your endearing little bounce, welcoming the new day

Full of promise, possibility, adventure.

My little dancer,

May you never lose this openness, this pure joy.

May your listening ear be forever aware of all the world's music

And your embrace of the new day forever loving, forever grateful.  

Gardens and More!

We're here! After one busy weekend, including many trips up and down six flights of stairs, we've settled into our new home and are loving it. The place is an adorable 2-bedroom house with a little yard out back. It's a big change for us, going from living a mostly "urban" lifestyle in Oakland where we could walk almost everywhere to a more suburban town where we mostly drive everywhere, but after having a kid, I've come to appreciate the suburbs and what they have to offer. Also, no words can adequately describe how happy I am to finally have a washer/dryer and dishwasher in our new place, after going two years without either of these amenities. As anyone who has a children knows, these things become infinitely more important once there's a baby in the picture (because, let's face it, baby = lots more laundry and lots more dishes).

One thing I was sad to leave behind was the little community garden plot that I've been working on with a good friend of mine for the past two and half months. When I found out we were moving, I neglected it a bit and it went kind of wild after the rains, but I went back one last time to say goodbye and here is what I found:

After just two months, I had several delicious radishes ready to be picked, a BUNCH of arugula, green onions, and a very happy potato plant. So, not too bad for my first real gardening extravaganza!

I'm so excited to start gardening in my very own yard. So much so, that I went out a splurged on a nice compost bin and a cute little lemon tree today! I know I need to focus my efforts on unpacking and acquiring new furniture before I do anything in the yard but....


P.S.: I'll post pics of the new place once we're a little more moved in. It's still mostly boxes as of right now. :)