Pregnancy #2 Update! (finally!)

WOWZA! It has been much too long since my last post and for that, dear readers, I apologize.

I'll cut straight to the chase: I am expecting #2! Which is great news and all, but I'd be lying if I didn't say I had a TERRIBLE first trimester, and this partly accounts for my absence on the blog. I pretty much didn't cook (or eat) anything for about two months. Well, I ate some, but it was mostly pre-made soups and frozen chicken nuggets (first time in my life I bought frozen nuggets... and it felt strange, but necessary). I'm not sure why the nausea felt so bad this second time around; I had it with Emi but it was much more manageable. Maybe I'd forgotten how to be pregnant or maybe I was just too busy running around with a toddler to take good care of myself. Either way, it was a mess and compounded by the fact that both J and E were also sick for a good chunk of that time. My advice to myself if I ever experience another first trimester: MAKE FREEZER MEALS AHEAD OF TIME. BEFORE YOU GET PREGNANT. LOTS OF THEM.

But, we made it through and I am now happily in the second trimester. Yay! I am still exhausted but at least I can eat. And, oh boy, CAN I EAT. I must be having a huge baby or something because I am loading up on calories like there's a famine coming tomorrow. I am not exaggerating. If I don't eat a protein rich snack (more like a “mini-meal”) every TWO hours on the dot I am pretty much screwed for the rest of the day. And by that I mean, I become irreversibly nauseous, tired, and cranky...and you might want to stay away. Let me give you an idea of my typical morning:

- Wake around 6:00 or 6:30 a.m.

- Eat breakfast around 6:30 or 7:00: two pieces of whole wheat toast with peanut butter and honey, a piece of fruit, a cup of herbal tea, and half of a bagel with cream cheese

- Snack at 9:00: a fried egg over rice, some chips and salsa

- Lunch at 11:00: a HUGE salad (lettuce, spinach, feta cheese, croutons, sunflower seeds, and my homemade dressing with olive oil and vinegar), baguette with cheese and/or butter, chocolate or something sweet for dessert

All of this before noon! Every. Single. Day. And you better believe that I am having another huge snack about two hours later, at 1:30 p.m. Needless to say, our grocery bill has skyrocketed and though I like to blame it on E, I know she's not the culprit. I think part of the reason I am loading up on fat and protein so much this time around is because I was slightly under-weight when I got pregnant. For some reason, after having E and breastfeeding for so long, I never quite regained my pre-pregnancy weight; as in, I eventually weighed less than before I got pregnant with E (which is weird to admit because most women don't have this problem after having kids). It was an issue for me because I don't feel like I was at a healthy weight for my height and no matter what I did, I couldn't seem to gain it back. So, anyways, I truly believe that our bodies are wise and know what they need. I'm just listening and obliging.

Oh, and before I forget, THIS happened too:

16 Weeks (Pregnancy #1)

16 Weeks (Pregnancy #2)

 They say it's normal to show much sooner the second time around, but this is kind of ridiculous. I am trying hard not to imagine what I'll look like at 40 weeks this time around. Yikes.

On Being Home

In our society, there's a definite (and obvious) binary when it comes to women and their children: the women who choose to return to work relatively soon after having a baby and the women who choose to stay home for an unspecified amount of time to raise their children full-time. I realize that for many women, the decision to stay home or return to work is not a decision, but a necessity. Some women have no choice but to return to work in order to provide for their families, while others might want to return to work only to find that they are unable to find a job or afford childcare. For other mothers staying home after having kids is just what feels right, spiritually, emotionally, and/or financially.

What I've learned since becoming a mother is that other parents, and society in general, judge women regardless of the choice they make. Working mothers are seen as “selfish”, “too career-oriented”, or as putting their own needs ahead of their kids' needs. Stay-at-home mothers are seen as “too traditional” or as reinforcing gender norms in a society where women have worked hard to gain equal rights in the workplace. No matter what she decides, somebody somewhere is going to judge a mom for her decision, and that's really unfortunate. As parents, we already have to deal with our fair share of judgment when it comes to other parenting choices (feeding, sleep, discipline, etc.) so it seems unfair to throw another layer of judgment on whether a mom choose to stay home or work. But, ultimately, the only thing that matters is that she feels happy, satisfied, and confident with her decision.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I assumed right away that I would do what most women do in the bay area: take a three month maternity leave and return to work to help my family afford the crazy cost-of-living here. However, it soon become apparent to me that my income as a preschool teacher was no real match for the cost of daycare or, especially, the cost of a private nanny (which would have been my first choice in terms of childcare). I also already knew that my job was not as fulfilling or rewarding as I would have liked it to be, so leaving it behind to stay home did not feel like a major setback in terms of career building.

I've never considered myself much of a “career woman”. I love school and learning new things and constantly being challenged, but I tend to get bored easily when my days are too repetitive or boring or when they don't allow me to do the things that truly bring me happiness in life: spending time with loved ones, eating healthy delicious food, and spending time outside in nature. When I worked full-time, I found that I rarely had the energy to hang out with friends after work. I was often way too exhausted from my day to spend time in the kitchen cooking delicious homemade food every night. We ate out or ordered in more than I wanted to but it seemed like the only sane choice at the time. On the weekends, I spent time outdoors when I could, but I mostly just wanted to laze around the house and watch T.V. to rest after a long work week of running around after little kids and being constantly on my feet all day. I didn't have the energy to garden much or write. In other words, I wasn't doing the things I truly loved.

Now, don't me wrong, I wasn't able to do a lot of those things my first year of motherhood either! But I am finding that now that my daughter is older, I am able to structure my days so that I can include many of the things that matter to me. I can plan meals out and actually have time to cook them (which saves us lots of money since we are not eating out or ordering in nearly as much as we used to). I have time and energy to grow an organic garden (another money-saver). I complete household tasks without feeling like I am working two jobs all the time (just one, long, constant never-ending job...haha). I can try out my hand at little aspects of urban homesteading (like canning or preserving, for instance), something I have been wanting to try for a while but never had time for. And most important of all, I can spend time with my precious daughter and watch her grow and change and learn new things every day. She presents me with new challenges constantly (Do I let her climb on the coffee table? Is throwing toys an act of defiance or just an experiment in sound and gravity? Am I discouraging her independence by not letting her climb on this playground by herself?). I am always learning from her and learning to better myself as a person and as a mother. I am often re-evaluating my parenting choices, researching and learning from other parents, and trying to pin down the best way to teach her the ways of the world—not an easy task! But mothering has taught me so much about myself, about my flaws and my strengths, my beliefs and my fears, my insecurities and goals. And this is truly a gift.

I know there are things I am giving up by choosing to stay home. I'm not furthering myself in my career and moving up in terms of salary, position, etc. I am not learning some the skills needed to stay fresh and up-to-date in my field. I am not getting as much adult interaction every day as I might like. I am in a single-income family and therefore do not have much in terms of disposable income to afford fancy vacations and expensive things for myself. But that's okay. Truth be told, I have accepted these sacrifices and am now totally at peace with my decision to be home. Accepting and being happy with this decision was definitely a process and didn't happen overnight. Many times in the first year I found myself wishing I was working a normal job where I could leave my child in someone else's loving care for the day instead of me being the one stuck changing the 8^th poopy diaper that day, or wishing I had a real reason to leave the house in the morning instead of realizing some days that I hadn't brushed my teeth or changed out of my sweats and it was already 3:00 in the afternoon. But, over time and ever so slowly, I've become confident and consistently happy with my decision to be home. My child learning to walk and becoming more independent has really helped with this because it has enabled me to regain some of my own independence and a sense of normalcy. The older she's gotten, the more I have enjoyed being home with her because, in a lot of ways, it has gotten easier. 

I've turned away from a traditional career and corporate culture in exchange for a slower, more home-centric lifestyle and I know that this is the right decision for me and my family right now. It won't be forever. As a young mom, I know that I have plenty of time for a career and other things later on, and I look forward to that phase of my life, but I am so happy with where I'm at right now. I also know that staying home full-time to care for children is not for for everyone. Many mothers thrive on the satisfaction they get from working outside the home, juggling the demands of both motherhood and work, and would feel unhappy and disadvantaged if they took time out of their careers to stay home. I totally understand that. Not everyone shares the same passions for homesteading, gardening, and cooking from scratch like I do, and many mothers genuinely enjoy their jobs and get a lot of fulfillment from them. I truly believe that whatever makes a mother the happiest is what she should be doing, whether that be working or staying home, because at the end of the day, a happy mom is a better mom to her children. So moms and dads, let's stop judging each other. We are all doing the best we can.

For more on the topics of staying home with kids, homesteading, etc., check out these books:

Homeward Bound: Why Women Are Embracing the New Domesticity by Emily Matchar

Radical Homemakers: Reclaiming Domesticity from a Consumer Culture by Shannon Hayes

Making Home: Adapting Our Homes and Our Lives to Settle in Place by Sharon Astyk

Eggplant, Tomato and Onion Gratin

It's been a busy summer around here. We're settling in to our new place, doing some traveling, and adjusting to life in the suburbs. After a long tiring day today (for some reason, E was not in the best of moods, which meant I was not in the best of moods either), the last thing I felt like doing tonight was cooking. But, I had an eggplant I needed to use up in the fridge and I knew I wanted to try baking it. I found the following recipe online and I'm glad I gave it a go because I turned out quite delicious. It's a perfect summer recipe since it features two of summer's most prominent players: eggplant and ripe tomatoes. However, be prepared to have your oven on for about an hour, so save this one for a day when the heat hasn't gotten the best of you. (Also, it's called a "gratin" but the recipe doesn't include any cheese, just so you know. I was a little skeptical about this at first, but it actually worked out perfectly). I used avocado oil instead of butter for frying because I love this oil for cooking at high temperatures but butter would work just as well.

Eggplant, Tomato and Onion Gratin

1 large sweet onion, finely diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 or 3 sprigs fresh thyme (or 1-2 tsp dried)
1 bay leaf
3-4 tbs unsalted butter or oil (divided)
salt and pepper to taste
1 medium eggplant, sliced into 1/4-inch rounds
3-4 medium sized ripe tomatoes

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. In large skillet over medium heat, sauté the onions, garlic, thyme, bay leaf, salt and pepper in half the butter or oil (whichever you are using) until soft, about 4 minutes. Remove bay leaf from onion mixture.

Grease a 9x13 inch baking dish with the remaining butter/oil. Spread onion mixture over bottom of dish. Cover with overlapping rows of alternate eggplant and tomato slices. Season with salt and pepper and drizzle with remaining oil.

Cover and bake until eggplant is soft enough to cut with a spoon, about 45 mn. Uncover for last 15 mn or earlier if tomatoes are giving up too much liquid. Brush or spoon juices over top occasoinally to prevent top layer from drying out (I did this once about 40 mn into the cooking). The gratin should be moist but not watery.

Gardening Adventures in the New Yard!

We're finally starting to settle in to our new little home, so I figured it was about time for an update!

This has been my project for about the last month:

I ordered the raised beds on amazon (here) because we don't own a saw and I wasn't feeling particularly inspired to build my own beds (that and I've been spending way too much time—and money—at Home Depot lately). These were super easy to put together and work really well (you don't really need any tools because the sides just slide right into the posts).

After putting them together, I asked around and found out that there's a good bulk soil company across the bridge, so my father-in-law and I headed over there one day, rented a dump truck, and hauled 2.5 cubic square yards of soil back—talk about an adventure! Then, my wonderful husband ever so kindly shoveled all of the soil from our driveway to the beds (he's amazing).

Then: planting time! I'll be honest, I wasn't sure what to plant, especially since it was June, which is kind of an awkward time to start planting. In this climate, most seedlings go in at the start of spring (March-April) or start of Fall (Sept-Oct), depending on your crop. But, I was eager to get started, so I bought a few starter plants (tomatoes, bell pepper, basil, sage, parsley, cucumbers, and a pumpkin). I also planted some lettuce seeds.... but they never came up. I'm thinking they might have been pushed too deep because of the watering, so I'm going to try starting some indoors and then transferring them out to the garden in a few months.

This is my first real gardening experience so I'm definitely learning as I go. Regardless of how it all turns out, I'm finding that I love working with dirt—there's something so therapeutic about digging my fingers in the rich dark soil that nourishes my plants. Also, I love the joy that comes from nurturing a plant and watching it grow and blossom.

My obsession with dirt also meant that one of the first purchases I made when we moved to a place with a yard was a compost bin! I bought this at my local garden supply store, put it together (with some help from my little companion gardener--see below), and tucked it in the backward by our fence:

All of our vegetable scraps and yard waste go in here. It requires just a little watering every few days to keep it nice and moist, but that's it. Otherwise, we just let the ants, flies, worms and other little critters do their job of decomposing everything into a nutrient-rich compost. I think in about 6-8 months I'll be able to use some of the compost that will have accumulated at the bottom of the bin. My eventual goal is to have a self-sustaining garden, where I won't need to buy soil or organic fertilizer anymore because I'll just be able to use my own compost to amend my current soil.

It's been a lot of fun to finally have a yard. I know my little pumpkin has been loving it, too, especially now that the weather is warm. The best part is that we are completely out of the fog now since we are further south, so basically every single day has been sunny, clear, and beautiful since we moved here two months ago. I wonder if this means the winter will be even milder?

Happy gardening, ya'll!

"The glory of gardening: hands in the dirt, head in the sun, heart with nature. To nurture a garden is to feed not just on the body, but the soul" -Alfred Austin

Little Dancer

Out in the garden this morning, you danced.

Bright-eyed, bathed in morning sunshine, and beaming

With that toothy grin of yours,

That charms even the most morose of strangers.

And I thought to myself,
“Why is she dancing? Silly baby. I don't hear any music.”

But upon closer listening, I did hear something:

A songbird.

Several actually, singing playfully to each other,

Announcing the morning's glorious arrival.

And you, echoing their enthusiasm,

With your endearing little bounce, welcoming the new day

Full of promise, possibility, adventure.

My little dancer,

May you never lose this openness, this pure joy.

May your listening ear be forever aware of all the world's music

And your embrace of the new day forever loving, forever grateful.  

Gardens and More!

We're here! After one busy weekend, including many trips up and down six flights of stairs, we've settled into our new home and are loving it. The place is an adorable 2-bedroom house with a little yard out back. It's a big change for us, going from living a mostly "urban" lifestyle in Oakland where we could walk almost everywhere to a more suburban town where we mostly drive everywhere, but after having a kid, I've come to appreciate the suburbs and what they have to offer. Also, no words can adequately describe how happy I am to finally have a washer/dryer and dishwasher in our new place, after going two years without either of these amenities. As anyone who has a children knows, these things become infinitely more important once there's a baby in the picture (because, let's face it, baby = lots more laundry and lots more dishes).

One thing I was sad to leave behind was the little community garden plot that I've been working on with a good friend of mine for the past two and half months. When I found out we were moving, I neglected it a bit and it went kind of wild after the rains, but I went back one last time to say goodbye and here is what I found:

After just two months, I had several delicious radishes ready to be picked, a BUNCH of arugula, green onions, and a very happy potato plant. So, not too bad for my first real gardening extravaganza!

I'm so excited to start gardening in my very own yard. So much so, that I went out a splurged on a nice compost bin and a cute little lemon tree today! I know I need to focus my efforts on unpacking and acquiring new furniture before I do anything in the yard but....


P.S.: I'll post pics of the new place once we're a little more moved in. It's still mostly boxes as of right now. :)

Emilia's Birth

My Birth Story

Around 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. on the night of February 28^th I wake up to some pretty noticeable cramping. The cramps come every 15-20 minutes and last for just a few seconds (10-20 seconds). I had been feeling some braxton-hicks contractions for several weeks now and these cramps remind me a lot of the cramping I would feel right before getting a period, so I don't think much of it and just assume it's my body's way of getting ready for labor. The next morning, Jorge informs me that he had woken up periodically during the night to me groaning in my sleep.

It's the morning of my mother's departure. We drive her to the BART station so that she can board the train to SFO to catch her plane back to China (where she has been living and working as a teacher for the past two years). She's been staying with us in Oakland for 3 weeks and has helped me a lot in the these last few weeks of pregnancy by keeping me company, cooking for us, and helping to keep me distracted as we waited and waited... and waited. I'm exactly 41 weeks and anxious to meet my little baby. Both of my parents had come to town and we were all waiting around for the big day, but by this time, my dad had already returned to Idaho. Saying goodbye to my mother as she was getting ready to travel to the other side of the world was an emotional moment for me; I knew my baby was coming soon and I had really hoped she would be here for the birth. But, childbirth is unpredictable and life works in strange ways sometimes, so after my due date had come and gone and my mother's date of departure approached, I began to make peace with the idea that she would probably not be here to greet her first grand-baby. After saying goodbye, I notice on the drive home that my cramping is becoming increasingly more frequent, and I can't help but laugh at the irony of it all; of course my mother would have to leave the day I'd be giving birth! (Little did I know at this point that my labor would continue for another two days.)

I spent the rest of the day hanging around the house, cleaning, and relaxing with Jorge. The cramping was definitely regular but very manageable. Again, it was very similar to the pain I dealt with on a monthly basis with my period, so I was pretty used to handling it by now. I don't remember too much else about this day, other than the fact that I definitely did not feel like cooking, so I asked Jorge to go out and buy us some burgers and fries. For some reason, I was really craving red meat, which I now realize was probably my body's way of gearing up for the enormous physical task ahead.

Around 9 p.m. I call my doula to let her know things were happening and I was definitely in early labor. She suggests a warm shower, a glass of wine, and just relaxing at home for a while longer because it could still be a while before baby came. She also tells us we should try to get some sleep. I follow her suggestions but am not able to fall asleep, so around 10:00 p.m., while Jorge is in bed, I decide to get into the shower. The warm water feels so good during the contractions. I spend about an hour in the shower, feeling excited and anxious about what's to come.

At 11:30 p.m. I feel the contractions getting a little more intense and I'm anxious to have somebody check my cervix so I can find out how dilated I am. I wake Jorge up and we decide to head to the hospital, which is only 5 minutes away. (In retrospect, I wish I had stayed home longer because I was definitely still in early labor at this point.) The midwife on call checks me and I am only 3 cm dilated. My contractions are now 3-4 minutes apart and lasting about 40-50 seconds. In order to be admitted, I need to be at least 4 cm, so the midwife says that we can either go home for a while or stay and walk the halls. I decide I want to stay because I don't want to have to go through filling out all of the paperwork again and would rather avoid another uncomfortable car trip while in labor! We walk the halls for three hours and, when she checks me again, I'm 4 cm and almost fully effaced. At 3:00 a.m. the morning of March 1^st, we are admitted to the hospital. I hand the midwife and nurse my birth plan. They seem accommodating and, for the most part, very respectful of my desire for a natural birth.

It's morning time and I am still walking around, pacing the halls, and dealing with each contraction one at a time. At some point, I start to feel nauseous and throw up, which I recall reading somewhere was a normal reaction in labor. I go to the bathroom and notice my mucous plug is coming out. Being up and moving around is what feels the best. Lying down is painful and uncomfortable and I find myself not enjoying the 20 minutes each hour when they ask me to be in the bed so they can check the fetal heart rate, but I know it's hospital protocol. The baby's heart rate is nice and strong. The contractions are getting stronger but are still very manageable as long as I'm able to stand and use good breathing techniques. At 9:00 a.m., the new midwife on duty checks me and I am 6 cm! I'm very excited and it feels like things are truly progressing.

My doula ends up being caught up at another birth so we meet her back-up doula, Lucy. She's wonderful and I find myself immediately comforted by her presence. She reminds me to breathe and keep my jaw loose during contractions, rather than tensing up. At 1:00 p.m., I'm checked again and still only at 6 cm. The midwife and I discuss breaking the bag of waters to accelerate labor and we agree to do it in a few hours if things haven't progressed. First, though, Lucy and I try acupressure to see if it helps. I also ask Jorge to do nipple stimulation, which is known to be helpful in speeding up labor. The contractions are getting stronger and Jorge and Lucy help me breathe through them. In between the contractions, we talk, laugh, and hang out.

At 4:00 p.m., I am dilated to 8 cm and fully effaced! I am so ready to have this baby. I'm excited and feeling hopeful. I haven't needed a single intervention yet, including an I.V., and I'm feeling good about how well this birth is going. I'm drinking plenty of water, snacking on some nuts and jello, and trying to stay calm and in the moment. Little do I know that the hardest part is still ahead.

Around 6:30 p.m., the midwife (who is now at the end of her shift) checks me again and I am still at 8 cm. She breaks my bag of waters, hoping this will speed things up a bit. I spend some time in the shower and on the birth ball. Both help lessen the discomfort from the contractions.

At 10 p.m., Sonia (the new midwife on duty), informs me that I am still at 8 cm. We're all disappointed and I'm starting to feel discouraged because I feel like I have been working hard and yet I haven't progressed. The midwife uses an internal fetal monitor to asses how strong my contractions are. She suggests using Pitocin (artificial oxytocin) to speed up and intensify the contractions, explaining that, at this point, they are not strong enough to further dilate my cervix. I'm disappointed and worried because I know that Pitocin leads to intense contractions and, in most cases, women on Pitocin end up asking for an epidural because the pain is way too intense. But I'm also exhausted and feeling pretty down about how long this is taking. After discussing our options, at 11:25 p.m., I agree to the Pitocin (it is started at level 1). I'm also given Fentanyl to take the edge off of the contractions, knowing well from my research and from talking with other moms, that the Pitocin is going to be really difficult to endure. (Unfortunately, the Fentanyl did not seem to make a difference in the pain. However, it did allow me to fall asleep very briefly in between contractions--some much-needed rest at this point.)

At 1:00 a.m., things are extremely intense and I'm feeling pretty out of control. The Pitocin is at level 3 now and the contractions are very difficult to get through. I'm having a hard time breathing through them. I start to hyperventilate during the contractions and feel like I am having trouble breathing, so I ask for an oxygen mask, which helps a little. At this point, I am much less mobile; I'm hooked up to the I.V. and there is an internal fetal monitor attached to me, which makes it hard to move and get into position that help me handle the contractions better. I'm starting to feel frustrated that I'm basically stuck to the bed, but I can at least move to the bathroom, so I do that and try sitting on the toilet for a while. I feel myself really opening up in this position and much prefer being on the toilet to laying in bed.

I'm feeling pretty miserable and start considering an epidural. I realize at this point that I am kind of losing it and that, instead of relaxing through the contractions, I am tensing up, which makes them infinitely more painful. At 1:10 a.m., I decide on an epidural. The pain is too much to handle and I am too tired to make it through the contractions. The anesthesiologist says it'll take about an hour to get it (because they have to wait for the results from my blood work). At this point, Jorge and I have both been up for over 36 hours. (I still don't know how Jorge managed to stay awake that long. I, at least, had the labor hormones!). For a while, we sit back-to-back on the bed, leaning against each other during my contractions, and falling asleep a little in between them.

At 2:30 a.m. (with still no epidural) I suddenly recognize within myself a strong urge to push. I keep thinking I need to go to the bathroom and I start to let out deep moans. Lucy goes to get Sonia, who checks me again. I am now 10 cm! It's hard to adequately describe the amount of relief I am feeling at this point. Finally, this baby was going to come out! At one point soon afterwards I ask the nurse for a catheter because I really need to pee but can't due to the pain of the contractions. The nurse had been pumping me full of fluids through the I.V. and we are all shocked at just how much pee comes out. Getting all of that fluid out really helps lessen the intensity of the contractions. Why didn't I ask for the catheter sooner?!

At 3:00 a.m., I start to push. First, I push standing up. Sonia checks me while I'm standing and announces that she can see the baby's dark hair! I feel a rush of adrenaline and start to mentally prepare myself for the task ahead. It's too late for the epidural now and I am ready--and excited--to birth my baby the way I wanted to all along, naturally and in whatever position feels the most comfortable. I decide to get onto the bed on my hands and knees. I'm making good progress in this position and moving the baby down well with each contraction. After a while, I decide to use the squat bar that attaches to the hospital bed. I had read all about how squatting is a great position for birthing and knew it was really something I wanted to try. Unfortunately, after about 30 minutes of pushing while squatting, I am so exhausted that my knees start to give out, so my midwife suggests a side-lying position instead.

The room is dark and quiet. Jorge's iPad is playing some beautiful calming music that I had picked out ahead of time (the album is called “Relax: A Liquid Mind Experience”). The baby nurse helps by holding my right leg up while I push. Another nurse holds a mirror at the foot of the bed and I can see the baby's head. It's a bit discouraging because I realize at this point that there's still so much left to push out and I am so tired! But, I also realize that I don't have much of a choice other than to keep going, so I give it my all. Jorge is at the foot of the bed next to the midwife, ready to help catch the baby. I can feel everything as the baby is slowly making its way down the birth canal and remember thinking to myself that pushing was a relief but also a lot of work. The midwife did not direct my pushing at all; she simply allowed my body to push the baby out on its own while providing gentle support to my perineum. 

Finally, after pushing for about 1.5 hours, at 4:39 a.m. on the morning of March 2nd, our baby is born! Jorge hands her to me and announces that she is a girl. Emilia Solymar Banuelos is vigorous, healthy, and has already opened her eyes. She is placed on my chest immediately. Ten minutes later, Jorge cuts the cord. A short while later, my placenta comes out with one last big push. While all of this is happening, I am overcome with a huge rush of endorphins and in a state of complete post-birth euphoria. I'm amazed at how wise my body is for flooding me with these incredible pain-relieving hormones and I am grateful for having just barely missed the epidural.

My midwife informs me that I have a partial third degree tear, likely caused by the shoulders, and she calls in the doctor to stitch me up. Since I had no anesthesia, this part is definitely uncomfortable, but at least now I have my baby to distract me. I stare at her in awe as she lays on my chest and we are all shocked at how big she is: 8 pounds 11 ounces and 19.5 inches long! She cries a lot and I am amazed at how loud this tiny newborn can be. About two hours after the birth, Emilia latches on for the first time. She is definitely hungry, as am I. Our baby is finally here, 9 days late and one LONG labor later. We are exhausted but extremely excited and relieved.

Reflection

I was in active labor for a total of 30 hours. Despite how long it took, I feel quite positive about my birthing experience and I am glad I was able to (almost) have the natural birth I wanted, even while being in a more medicalized setting. That being said, I do think a few factors might have contributed to the slowing of my labor. I strongly believe that all of shift changes I experienced (I saw a total of three different midwives and three different nurses during the course of my labor, all of whom I was meeting for the first time) made it hard for me to truly relax and let go. Also, I have always had an innate dislike and distrust of medical settings, so it is hard for me to relax and feel comfortable in a place that normally just makes me anxious and uptight (this might also explain why, prenatally, I had high blood pressure readings whenever my care provider checked me at the hospital but normal blood pressure whenever I checked it for myself at Walgreens!). I think I was also worried that I was “on the clock” which created this time pressure for me and might have inadvertently slowed my labor.

Would my labor have been quicker and less stressful in a more home-like environment rather than surrounded by medical gadgets beeping at me all of the time, reminding me that I was on the clock and making me feel more like a sick patient than just a normal woman having a baby? Would I have been able to relax more towards the end if I had been with just my closest loved ones and attended by just one midwife whom I would have gotten the chance to know and trust throughout my entire pregnancy rather than meeting for the very first time during one of my most vulnerable moments? I'll never know. But these are questions I ask myself sometimes.

Overall, I'm grateful to the wonderful team of hospital-based midwives that assisted me through my long labor and birth. They allowed me to labor for a long time (which most hospitals don't do), they encouraged me to use more natural and less invasive techniques to accelerate my labor before suggesting Pitocin, and they never once made me feel silly for wanting to give birth naturally (natural birth, at this hospital and most U.S. hospitals, is not very common). They listened to me and respected my choices. They allowed my body do the work it needed to do and gently suggested the use of synthetic oxytocin when I was exhausted and needed a little help to get my baby out. 

I'm proud to have given birth at Highland Hospital, a public hospital serving mostly low-income uninsured people in Oakland, California. They are one of just a few hospitals nationwide to be designated a “Baby-Friendly Hospital” from the World Health Organization, meaning they support breastfeeding and newborn care practices that encourage breastfeeding (such as skin-to-skin). Their Labor & Delivery department is truly exemplary and I hope that the hospital midwifery care they provide will serve as a model for all other hospitals in the country who haven't already adopted this model of care.

Rustic Pork Ragu

I'm finally getting back into a good rhythm when it comes to meal preparation. When E was smaller, it was usually a bit of a scramble for dinner and we definitely came up with some interesting creations! Now, I'm back to having some time to plan most dinners each week and actually cook during the day (usually while the little one is napping). The big winner so far this week? Rustic Pork Ragu. I think using fresh rosemary is really what makes this dish so delicious (rosemary grows everywhere here so I just picked some that I found outside) but if all you have is dried rosemary, that should work too.

Rustic Pork Ragu
(from Real Simple magazine)

2 TBS olive oil
1 2 or 2.5 lb boneless pork loin
2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 tsp salt
1 tsp freshly ground black pepper
1 large onion, chopped
2 sprigs fresh rosemary, leaves picked and chopped
4 cloves garlic, chopped
1 35-ounce ca crushed tomatoes with juice
1 lb cooked noodles (pappardelle or other flat noodles work well)
grated parmesan or Romano, to taste

Heat the olive oil in a Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Season the pork with salt and pepper and sear on all sides until golden brown, 3 to 4 minutes per side. Remove the pork; set aside.

Add the onion, rosemary, and garlic and cook, stirring, until fragrant, about 2 minutes.

Add the tomatoes and their juices and stir with a wooden spoon, scraping any bits of pork stuck to the bottom of the pot. Return the pork to the pot.

Bring the liquid to a boil, then reduce heat. Cover the pot tightly and simmer on the stovetop until the pork is tender enough to fall apart, 2.5 to 3 hours.

Remove the pork and, when it is cool enough to handle, shred it into bite-size pieces. Add the shredded pork back to the stockpot. Simmer until hot.

Serve over the pasta with the cheese sprinkled on top.

Enjoy!!

“After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations.” 

                                                             ― Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance

Spring is in the air...maybe? Career goals and my life as a stay at home mommy.

It has been super RAINY here these past couple of weeks, which is great because we definitely needed the rain and I know my little garden plot is just loving the extra moisture! I'm planning to post photos of the plot real soon. I've got some lettuce, carrot, and radish seedlings coming up and I also planted a few starters (peas and green onions).

In other news, I'm excited to announce that I have officially completed my training to become a lactation educator/counselor! This means I can start teaching breastfeeding classes and offering breastfeeding support to new and expecting moms.

Right now, my biggest desire is to get out into the field and gain some practical experience in this area. I'm not sure if I want to eventually take the lactation consultant exam (which would also require more coursework) but that possibility is definitely on my radar. At this point, I mostly just want to start working directly with new moms. I've definitely been bitten by the "birth bug", as they say, as I am finding myself more and more passionate and interested in all things relating to pregnancy, childbirth, and the postpartum period. When I think about helping and guiding women as they make the beautiful, yet delicate and often challenging, transition into motherhood, I am overcome with feelings of excitement and fulfillment, so that must mean something, right?!

As of right now, I am working on becoming certified as a postpartum doula so that I can begin providing breastfeeding support as well as support in other areas of the postpartum period to new moms. I have plans to volunteer as a doula at San Francisco General Hospital, but the process for working in a hospital is long and bureaucratic, so it will probably take a couple of months for me to get started.

I am loving my time at home with my baby girl. Some days are tough, of course, but overall it has been an amazing experience to be home with her and I am so glad I've been able to dedicate myself fully to her, especially while she is still so small and dependent on me. I know someday I'll return to the paid working world, but for now, I am enjoying this precious time with my little one and learning a lot from her as well. Our days are repetitive--and yes, sometimes boring--but they are also usually calm, happy, stress-free, and punctuated with little magical moments that I wouldn't trade for anything else in the world. Though being a stay-at-home mom is hard work (I totally understand now why people say it's the toughest job in the world!) and can sometimes be quite isolating, it is also one of the most selfless things I have done in my life and I take great pride in that.

I've also found that I have enjoyed being home with E more and more as she's gotten older. I love our little routines and seeing her face light up every time I go into her room to get her after a nap. When I feel bored (which is rare because there really isn't much time to feel bored in my day!), all I have to do is get down on the floor with her, play with her, watch her a bit, and then I realize that nothing is boring to her--she's constantly analyzing, learning, examining. She reminds me every day that the world has so much to offer and that, as adults, many of us have lost our sense of wonder and adventure. Life feels dull and boring because we let it become that way.

So babies have a lot to teach us really. And I find myself turning to my daughter when I yearn to experience some of life's simplest pleasures. She's taught me so much already.

Here's my new certificate! (which unfortunately got crumpled in the mail...ugh)

Southwestern Black Bean Burgers

J has been helping out in the kitchen a bit more lately since he has some free time right now. Last night, we made this yummy tuna casserole and black bean patties using the recipe below from the Moosewood Cookbook. I didn't know what to expect from the burgers since we had never made anything like them before. They were delicious! 

Make these on a day when you have some extra time on your hands because they do take a little while to put together. Also I recommend making salsa, pico de gallo, or guacamole to throw on top of them.

Southwestern Black Bean Burgers

from Moosewood Restaurant

Serves: 6

Ingredients

2 teaspoons olive oil

1 cup chopped onions

2 teaspoons ground cumin

1 teaspoon ground coriander

¼ teaspoon salt

Dash of ground black pepper

1 cup finely chopped mushrooms

1 cup grated carrots

1 fresh chile, minced or ¼ teaspoon cayenne

¼ cup orange juice

1 cup ground corn tortilla chips (Whirl tortilla chips in a food processor until they reach the consistency of coarse meal.

2 15-ounce cans black beans, rinsed and drained

1 large egg, lightly beaten

Instructions

Preheat oven to 375°

Warm the oil in a skillet on medium-high heat

Add the onions and cook for 5 minutes, stirring often.

Stir in the cumin, coriander, salt, and pepper and cook a couple of minutes until the onions soften.

Add the mushrooms, carrots, chiles, and orange juice.

Lower the heat to medium, cover and cook, stirring occasionally, about 8 minutes or until tender.

While the vegetables cook, combine the ground tortilla chips, beans, and egg in a large bowl and mash well with a potato masher, or pulse in a food processor and then transfer to a blow.

When the vegetables are tender, drain, and stir into the bean mixture.

Form the burger mixture into six patties (a heaping ½ cup per burger), and place on a lightly oiled baking sheet.

Bake in a preheated 375° oven for 25 minutes, until firm and lightly crusted.

Notes

Serve on romaine, topped with tomato and avocado salsa, or optional Monterey Jack cheese.

Baked Lima Beans

We've all been feeling a bit under the weather this past week, especially J, who seems to have caught a nasty cold on the plane ride home. So, in true Manon style, I've been turning to the best form of medicine out there to help fight off the germs in our household: food. Yesterday, I made a hearty veggie soup with some root vegetables from our CSA box. Today, I threw together a chicken soup with some leftover chicken pieces we had. I also made these delicious beans, which turned out to be the perfect comfort food for the cloudy day we had today: 

Baked Lima Beans 
Adapted from: http://www.beardandbonnet.com/mediterranean-style-baked-lima-beans-gluten-free-vegan/

1/2 lb. dried lima beans (I used small ones but large would work too)
1 quart water
1 bay leaf
1 cup of vegetable or chicken broth or water
2 Tbs vegetable oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 small yellow or white onion, chopped
1 can diced tomatoes (undrained)
2 tsp red wine vinegar
1 Tbsp tomato paste
1/2 Tbsp agave nectar
2 tsp dried oregano
1 tsp dried thyme
1 tsp salt
1/8 tsp ground nutmeg
freshly ground coarse black pepper

Rinse the lima beans and soak them overnight for 8 hours. In the morning, drain them and place them in a crockpot with fresh water (the water should cover the beans by about an inch or two). Cook them on low heat for about 6 or 7 hours or until tender.

When they are done cooking, preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Heat the oil in a dutch oven or medium sauce pan. Add the garlic and onion, cook for about 3-4 minutes, stirring often. Add the tomatoes, stock, red wine vinegar, tomato paste, agave syrup, spices, salt and pepper. Bring to a boil, stirring frequently, and allow the mixture to simmer for 10 minutes so that the sauce thickens and the flavors meld together. After 10 minutes, mix in the lima beans and bay leaf (if using a dutch oven) and bake beans for 30 minutes (covered), stirring occasionally. If using a sauce pan, transfer the sauce to a casserole dish, mix in the beans and bay leaf, and bake (covered) for 30 minutes.

Remove the lid for the last 5-10 minutes to reduce the sauce a little bit more. Allow beans to cool for 10 minutes before serving. 

Serves 3-4

Enjoy!

10 Month Update: Where Has the Time Gone?

My beautiful baby girl is growing up so quickly. In just two short months, she will be turning a year old, and that is something that is hard for me to wrap my head around. We have spent the last three weeks in Los Angeles with both sets of grandparents and she already seems bigger, stronger, more coordinated, and more toddler-like than when we left the bay area just a few weeks ago.

They change so quickly at this age. It's exciting and a little bit sad at the same time. Each day, each little moment, seems so fleeting, like a feather blowing in the wind that is always within reach but never able to be caught. Early motherhood is a funny thing; the days drag on and on at times, and yet, when looking back, time seems to compress in a weird way. Memories are blurred, yet strangely distinct, and the whole thing feels like a movie you just fast-forwarded through. You catch glimpses of the important parts but you wish you could go back and pause time just for a minute to absorb the memory a little better.

I read a lot of mommy blogs these days. One of my favorites, Girl of Cardigan, has a beautiful post entitled “Why I Wear My Daughter—Because You Asked” (for those of you who don't have kids, “wearing” a baby refers to the practice of carrying the baby around in a sling or carrier, so they are attached to your body, rather than in a separate entity, like a stroller).

"I wear her because I prefer our hearts squarely leveled and the space between us perfectly sized for the whispering of secrets and the exchanging of smiles. I wear her because something of the days when we shared one body returns to us, and we are a unit, watching and interacting from the same vantage point...I wear her because my independent, wild, and magical girl is not the sort to cling to my lap in playgroups or resist being passed around rooms. She has never met a stranger, my extroverted wonderful child, and I wear her because the moments of “just us-ness” are fleeting and coveted and selfishly hoarded.  I wear her so I can send her out again, knowing she knows she will soon be back in my arms where I can whisper her secrets and nuzzle that noggin...I wear my daughter because life is short. These precious days when she is small and clutch-able, all tiny grabbing fingers and sweet baby kisses and that incredible incomparable head-smell – these days are mere minutes, here and gone and never to return."

This passage struck a chord with me because it reminded me so much of E. For the most part, my daughter is not the sort to fear being held by new people as long as she gets a chance to warm up to them a bit. She's not the sort to shy away from new situations and she's more independent than I like to admit. In new places, she ventures out confidently to explore, always looking back every now and then to make sure I am still there. I am proud of her confidence, and yet, each day that she grows a little less dependent on me is also a reminder of how quickly she is changing and how fast her first year of life is passing by.

I'm doing my best to journal often, record milestones, take pictures and videos, and relish this sweet time with my baby, but I know that all too soon, she will enter toddlerhood and I'll be chasing after her as she ventures bravely out into the big wide world.